Bye 2016 + my key word for 2017!

What a year this has been. I've struggled a lot this year on various fronts and I'm very happy to see the end of it to be honest. There were so many times when gentle parenting seemed impossible or money was tight or my marriage was in need of some TLC. And the health scares and issues.. right from a possible miscarriage to an IUGR baby to chicken pox and an epileptic fit, it's been stressful.

That doesn't mean nothing good happened. I became a mother again and had the natural birth of my dreams. I get to see my two beautiful babies growing up together every single day. My husband and I are hard at work on improving our relationship and streamlining our finances and taking better care of ourselves, something we wouldn't have done had things not gotten so bad.

What do I want from 2017? More love, more patience, more togetherness. Travelling more, eating better, sleeping better. Focussing more on my Youtube channel and this blog. Spending carefully while still living life to the fullest.

Quite a long list isn't it? But it can be summed up in one key word - INTENTIONAL. I want to be in charge of my life, I want to consciously live life instead of being overwhelmed and letting life just "happen" to me. I don't know if 2017 is going to be better than 2016. All I know is that I'm going to try my hardest to make it much much better.

Wishing you all a beautiful 2017 filled with love, luck and happiness.I've loved having every one of you as my readers and viewers. I hope you'll all continue on this journey called 'La Vie de Ki' with me. 

Taking the Orange Rhino challenge

It's easier to write about gentle parenting than it is to actually parent that way. 

Yesterday was one of those terrible days when I wondered who allowed someone like me to become a parent. Someone who would shout at a toddler and become frustrated with an infant and wonder why she even had kids in the first place. Especially when my toddler informed me that I was "being scary". That was heartbreaking and we all had a good cry.

I promised both my kids I wouldn't yell. Not like that, not ever again. I don't want to see those looks on their faces. I don't want to have that hoarse throat and that sense of shame while my kids are confused and crying.

Today has been better. But that's not enough is it? Tomorrow needs to be as good as does the next day. So I've decided to hold myself accountable by taking the Orange Rhino challenge for 30 days starting Friday.

The details are HERE (plus there's also a book which I am going to spend the next 2 days reading) but the point is to stop yelling completely for a predetermined period and reset to zero if yelling happens.

I'll post a small update at the end of every week so that you guys know how I'm doing, good or bad. That's the whole point of this you know? By putting it out there, this entire "no yelling" thing will become more real. I'll be accountable not only to myself but to you all. I'll be able to feel you all cheering me on through your computer and cell phone screens. And if I falter, I know that this post and all of you will remind me of my goals again.

Wish me luck! No scratch that. Don't wish me anything. If you do make a wish, do it for my babies. Wish that their mother stays calm and loving even in the worst situations and that she never raises her voice again!

I failed at attachment parenting

I have this great bunch of mom friends. They are fantastic people and I admire them both as women and as mothers. And they are all attachment parents.

I wasn't an AP mom the first time around and it worked out fine to be honest. But I always wondered about the bond my friends shared with their kids. Some of the things they did seemed magical. They breastfed their babies, often well into toddlerhood and seemed to love it. They slept with their kids next to them and talked about the great sleep that bed sharing helped them get. They swore by baby wearing and how soothing and comforting it was for their kids. I wanted to be part of this club too! So with my second I read up about the AP style and decided that we would try out some or the things my friends raved about.

I realised pretty soon that it wasn't going to work. To begin with, I didn't enjoy breastfeeding at all. I ended up formula feeding and I was totally fine with that.

When I stopped nursing, I realised just how much I disliked bed sharing. Don't get me wrong, I love snuggles with my kids and I'm constantly showering them with hugs and kisses all day long. But when that day ends? I want them in their beds in their own room. I like my space at night and I was a fool to think that this would change.

That doesn't mean I ignore them all night long. I'm up as soon as they need me. If they are unwell or teething they definitely end up in my bed. But if they are fine and fast asleep, they're on their own!

I have to admit that I wore baby #2 a lot more than I did my firstborn especially in the early days. But now that she's almost 9 months old she spends almost all her awake time on the floor and usually naps in her crib instead of on me. Which is great because she is getting heavy! I also prefer to take her out in her stroller because again, it gives me a bit of space and my baby can look around more freely. Plus the stroller has so much room for keeping stuff like diapers and snacks. Otherwise I'd be wearing the baby and lugging around a giant diaper bag and cursing my life.

I'm pretty sure that not fulfilling these three pretty basic requirements disqualifies me from ever referring to myself as an attachment parent.

But if you could see me right now with one kid hanging off my shoulder and the other clawing at my leg, you would notice that my kids are happy and thriving and very securely attached to me, often literally, even if I didn't do anything by the "rules". It's taken me three years to realise that I don't need to ape anyone's parenting style. It's ok to be an attachment parenting failure. I just try my hardest to be loving, gentle and respectful and that's what matters!

TOP FORMULA FEEDING MUST HAVES!!!

When I decided I wanted to formula feed my first child I found barely any information for formula feeding moms out there. There is book after book written about breastfeeding but I struggled to find formula feeding "experts". This list, including all my picks, was born after a lot of trial and error on my part and has come in very handy while formula feeding my second baby.

What does a formula feeding mom really need?

1. Formula powder - Duh! I use organic when possible.

Ki recommends: Hipp combiotic infant milk

LVDK tip: You can use stage 1 formula till your baby turns one, no need for stage 2 or 3. Those have a lot more sugar but are otherwise similar.

2. Bottles - if you are formula feeding you need bottles. Lots and lots of them. This ensures that even if you don't manage to wash and sterilise them, you'll always have a spare or two handy.

Ki recommends: Avent natural bottles

LVDK tip: Change the nipples every 3 months!

3. Muslin cloths - These stop milk from dripping down onto baby's clothes while feeding and double as a burp cloth.

Ki recommends: Mother care muslins

4. Bottle brush - This removes all the formula residue and thoroughly cleans the bottles before sterilising. I like the ones which have a brush for the bottles on one end and nipple on the other end.

Ki recommends: Dr. Brown bottle brush.

LVDK tip:  Soak your bottles in warm soapy water about an hour before you wash them. You don't need a special bottle washing soap though, dish washing liquid will do.

5. Steriliser - When I started formula feeding my mom used to boil the bottles. What a pain it was. We couldn't find a vessel big enough for more than 4 bottles at one go, we had to wait ages for the water to boil and keep monitoring the process and worst of all was digging all the parts out of the scalding hot water. Sterilisers are awesome. They fit 6-8 bottles at one go and they all get sterilised just by the touch of a button. It's nothing short of a miracle!

Ki recommends: Avent bottle steriliser

5. Microwave steriliser bags - These are lifesavers. They usually fit 2-3 bottles and take just a few minutes in the microwave to deliver clean bottles. I love to travel with these rather than take my bulky steriliser along.

Ki recommends: Dr Brown's microwave steriliser bags

6. Formula maker machine - This basically measures out the water and brings it to the perfect temperature so that all you need to do is mix in the formula powder. It is perfect for those bleary eyed nights when you can't be bothered to read those tiny measurements on bottles.

Ki recommends: Tommee Tippee Perfect Prep

LVDK tip: Don't forget to clean the inside of the machine every once in a while! And always fill it with cold water.

7. Formula dispenser - This is basically a set of containers stacked one on top of the other to hold the exact number of scoops of formula that you need. Mine has repeatedly proven itself amazingly useful for travel, especially on airplanes.

Ki recommends: Pigeon formula dispenser

LVDK tip: It also works great for nights. I fill 2-3 containers with the amount of formula I need before going to bed. So all I have to do when the baby wakes is switch on the perfect prep and then just add my pre measured formula to the bottle. This is a big big time and sanity saving hack!

I hope this list helps other formula feeding mothers out there. If you have any recommendations, tips or hacks please leave them in the comments below. And feel free to ask me anything about formula feeding. I know how hard it is to find sound advice for formula feeders and I'm always happy to help!

Why I'm glad to be formula feeding again

When I ended up formula feeding my first baby I was ashamed. I had always intended to breastfeed him and it hadn't even occurred to me that I wouldn't be able to do it. Formula was my big failure as a mom, the one area where I couldn't provide my baby the best option out there settling instead for a mass produced copy which came along with lashings of guilt and a copious amount of judgement and disdain from others.

When I was pregnant with my second baby I vowed that I would not repeat my mistakes. I was well informed and totally prepared to succeed at breastfeeding. But a few months after her birth I found myself at the same juncture, supporting a wailing infant with one hand and holding a bottle of formula with the other.

However this time, to be completely honest, I felt kind of relieved. Don't get me wrong, I still felt bad that despite trying everything under the sun I couldn't nurse my baby for very long. But formula felt like an old friend, not a sworn enemy. When everything else failed, there was another way to feed my baby, one that, despite its poor reputation, had done no harm to my perfectly healthy toddler.

Instead of cringing as soon as my baby cried, gearing up for unbearable pain, I began to look forward to each feed. Hearing her gulp her milk down rather than seeing her struggling and flailing endlessly at my breast made me so happy. Knowing how much milk she actually drank rather than worrying when she popped on and off the breast gave me peace of mind. Someone else could feed her at night while I caught up on much needed sleep so I was able to keep up with both my kids' needs the next morning. Formula feeding no longer left me feeling inadequate. On the contrary, I felt like my bond with my baby became stronger because I wasn't as stressed.

I don't want to pretend that formula feeding has no downsides. To begin with, it is bloody expensive. The milk itself costs a lot but on adding in bottles, nipples, a steriliser and various other accessories including a machine that always produces bottles at the perfect temperature, we ended up paying a small fortune for the nourishment that would've. been free had I managed to breastfeed. Washing and sterilising the above mentioned stuff every day is another freaking pain in the butt.

And don't get me started on how inconvenient it is, be it in the middle of the night when I am trying to measure out the right number of scoops while simultaneously trying to soothe a screaming baby or when we are travelling and I realise we need an entire suitcase for the formula tin, bottles and all the other paraphernalia that goes with them.

But this time around when I chose to stop nursing and pumping and turned to formula feeding, I knew what I was getting into. I was aware of the negatives and they didn't faze me at all because I knew it was all doable. After all I'd done it before!

It's been about 8 months now since that first bottle of formula and we are doing great. I'm a happy, relaxed mother and I have a healthy baby whose growth is absolutely on track. I don't regret this choice at all and I would probably make it again if I were to have another kid.

It's a hard choice to make though, especially for a first time mom, because it seems like the worst possible option out there.

So here is my message for formula feeding mothers: Formula is absolutely fine. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It isn't breast milk but it is as close as mankind can make it. So whether you choose to formula feed from the beginning, switch from breastfeeding to formula feeding or just give a bottle of formula here and there, relax. You're not a bad mom. Your kid will be fine.

Breastfeeding, awesome as it is, isn't the defining factor of successful mothering. Bottle fed babies aren't loved any less and they are as fiercely attached to their parents as all other babies and toddlers are. You have a lifetime of choices to make for your child so don't get so worked up about this one that you forget that this is just a phase. Enjoy it and move on! It's all going to turn out fine. Trust me. :)

Unschooling update - sending my kids to school?

If you follow the La Vie de Ki Facebook page (link in the sidebar), you know one of the things I discovered in the past few months and became passionate about was unschooling Krishna. A lot of you asked me to write more about unschooling. This update may not be what you (or I) saw coming but life's like that sometimes - you never know what's around the corner!

2016 was the year of transitions and challenges. Moving to India to have a baby. Adjusting to having two kids. Moving back to France. Dealing with them by myself. It was totally overwhelming.

And Krishna my 3 year old, found it pretty tough. He had spent so much time with my parents that he found life very dull without them around. He didn't like sharing me with his baby sister. He didn't want to go to sleep in his room on his bed. And most of all since he had forgotten all his French, he hated crèche.

So my husband Karthik and I did what we could as his parents. We tried our best to spend more time with him and to focus on his needs. We decided to co sleep. And we just decided to keep him home instead of forcing crèche on him. Instead we hired a babysitter who comes thrice a week.

Once we got over the initial adjustment period, things got better. And soon after, I discovered unschooling and decided that I wanted to keep my kids at home with me instead of ever sending them to school. On most days, it was fantastic. It was fun spending time with my kids, playing, reading, watching T.V., cuddling, singing, chatting..

Learning about unschooling made so many positive changes to our lives. It made both Karthik and I more gentle compassionate parents. It made us stop panicking about "junk food" and "screen time" and 'by the clock' bedtimes and super strict routines. It's not like we began living a crazy chaotic life. We still had some structure but unschooling ideas helped us move towards a life of unconditional love and joy and for that I will forever be grateful.

But, and I say this with a mix of sadness and relief, we have decided to send Krishna to school next year. Because as amazing as it was, this year was also super super tough. As if learning to parent two kids under 3 without losing my mind wasn't enough, I also had to deal with both Karthik and the kids getting chicken pox. And a few months later, I passed out and was hospitalised thanks to never ending fatigue and baby induced sleeplessness. I actually had a freaking seizure because I was just so tired!

That made me realise that I need a break. School can give me that small window where I have to deal with only one kid. Where I can actually nap when my baby naps or get stuff done instead of constantly staying up late to do it. I will have more time to blog and make YouTube videos! And it is way way cheaper than my babysitter is.

Karthik and I also think that it would really help Krishna. He is a social kid and wants to play with other kids. Unfortunately this is proving to be tough in France. All the the kids we used to have playdates with are either in daycare or in school. He passes our local preschool and begs to go in because he sees kids  in the playground playing and shouting gleefully. He tries to make friends with the kids we see at playgrounds but he doesn't speak French. It hurts to see how sad he is when no one understands him and he's left standing by himself.

In stark contrast to that, we're in India right now and a whole bunch of kids of varied age groups play with Krishna every evening. He is enjoying himself so much! If we lived in an apartment complex like this, I would unschool my kids in a heartbeat.

Language acquisition and socialisation are both things school can give him while we live abroad. These can be had from other things as well, like classes of different kinds, but those are pretty expensive and he isn't really interested enough in anything like art or music yet.

The thing that swayed me the most was talking to other moms about what the preschool (or maternelle) is like here. Unlike in India, there is no emphasis on reading or writing and thankfully no homework or tests. The kids mostly just play and do artwork and go outside to play. That honestly sounds pretty great to me, similar to what crèche was like. We loved the public daycare system so I'm really hopeful that public school will be as good. Of course, if we ever move away, we will revisit this decision depending on what schools and the local community are like where we live.

So there you have them - some of the many reasons we are sending our 3 year old to school next September. Who knows how it will go?! It may be the best thing ever. Or he may hate it in which case we will just pull him out. Or we may do preschool now and revisit homeschooling in a few years. Basically, we're just going to give school a try. :)

Potty training a toddler PART 2 - Poop training

(Have you read Part 1 of the potty training series yet? Go HERE to learn how I got rid of diapers and trained my toddler to pee in the toilet!)

Just before my mom started potty training Krishna, we bought a potty seat reducer, thinking he could sit on the toilet to poop. I remember coolly telling her that poop training would be a breeze because he usually gave really obvious cues like a certain face expression and/or trying to find a private corner and just standing there. I wish I could go back and whack myself. This was the hardest thing I have ever done.

Till I left India to go back to France with my baby, Krishna refused to have anything to do with the seat reducer. He would just hold it in till it got unbearable and then have accidents in his underwear.

I spoke to my paediatrician and she advised offering a diaper for him to poop in. She reminded me that poop isn't as instant as pee and that freaks some kids out. But he didn't want a diaper either since by then I had given birth and "diapers are for babies."

So I just persisted and kept cleaning up accident after accident while staying alert for his cues and constantly offering a small potty seat he could squat on instead of a reducer. At one point we had one in every room! It was frustrating because I also had a newborn and it was SO hard but I tried not to be angry. I did point out though that this was really tough to clean and that it would be easier if he just went on his potty seat. We read some books too about kids using the potty.

It clicked after almost a month and he started going on the potty seat about 50% of the time. I didn't overdo the praise, but again spoke about how easy this was to clean and that it was good that he was trying.

And now, about 6 months after he was pee trained I can say that Krishna is 100% potty trained, two months before his third birthday. He always tells me he has to pee or poop and follows through. No accidents of any kind in several weeks, despite more travelling and currently living in a different house with a new potty seat.

There's one major piece of advice I can give about potty training, especially with regards to poop: be patient. It is easy to resort to sticker charts and punishments and quick fix methods but ultimately the child has to learn about his bodily functions on his own and that won't happen if you are not consistent and persistent and as gentle as humanly possible.

Who knows maybe your kid will take less time than mine did. Or more. Whatever. Just go with the 'flow'! ;)

Potty training a toddler PART 1 - Pee training

I'll be honest here - I have next to nothing to do with my son being potty trained. Most of this post is being brought to you by my mom who is the one who began the process with Krishna.

I had done a lot of research about elimination communication when Krishna was a baby where you basically train the baby from birth or slightly older. I thought it sounded very cool but I soon realised that I didn't want to spend all day staring at my infant for "cues" and honestly diapers were too damn convenient.

Then came my Montessori phase. I read some excellent blog posts about potty training and decided I would go that route when Krishna was around one. I bought training pants and potties, set up a potty training station at several places in my apartment. This was an epic fail. I ended up with pee everywhere and a kid who wanted nothing to do with the potty and I gave up a few days in.

So this basically leads me to tip #1: Potty training is easiest when the child is old enough to verbally communicate they need to pee or poop and to walk to the toilet by himself/herself.

When I moved to India to have my second baby my mom was appalled that Krishna wasn't potty trained yet at almost 2 years old. She promised me that she would train him in April and that he would be off diapers in a month. Did it work? Yup! But he wasn't fully 100% potty trained till December.

Tip #2: It takes time. Yes, I know you heard about that 3 day method. Yes, it works. Sort of. I have a friend who tried it with great success. But the kid still wore diapers on outings and at night and on holiday. That really shouldn't count as trained now should it?!

Here's what my mom did when Krishna was 2 years and 3 months old - she threw all his diapers away. She told him he doesn't need them anymore and would wear underwear henceforth.

Tip #3: Be badass like my mom and go cold turkey. Once you say bye to diapers don't look back.

The first few days he just peed right through the undies and left puddles everywhere which my mom cleaned up without any scolding or shaming. He slowly started recognising the sensation of urinating and started exclaiming "oh I'm doing a pee pee!" Mom also took him to the loo every few hours and tried to encourage him to pee. Right from the beginning she encouraged him to use the toilet to do his stuff rather than a tiny potty. She just set up a stool so he could pee directly into the toilet. It genuinely worked! After a week or so he would pee most of the times she took him and in another fortnight he started saying he had to pee.

Tip #4: That 100th puddle of pee will almost kill you. Be gentle. It is a slow slow slooooooooow process.

What about nights you ask? We took him to pee just before he went for a nap or to sleep. At night my mom took him to pee just before she went to bed as well, around 11pm. This helped keep him dry at night and taught me that a fully asleep child can actually pee in command. Totally cool and incredibly creepy. Naps weren't as easy. If he happened to wake from a nap he would pee immediately. But that stopped within a couple of weeks.

Tip #5: Do the midnight pee. It totally works. I think we had like one accident at night. ONE!

We did have a few accidents when out because Krishna was too distracted to tell us or didn't realise till he had already peed. One of these was at the visa office. Embarrassing man! But within 2 months of his being pee trained we travelled from India to France which is about 15-16 hours total. We survived on 1 pair of underwear!!!

A few weeks later, we stopped the 11pm pee too. Not a single accident!!! That's when I realised that my mom's method had worked! Krishna was successfully pee trained at 2.5!

Poop training however took time and that's too long a story to fit in this post. So come back for part 2 in a few days!!

The 5 minute toddler sleep routine

When my first baby was born, I was determined that we would never co sleep, that he would be sleep trained and soothe himself to sleep and that I would get my full night's sleep back before he was 1.

What really happened? I didn't even use a crib till he was 6 months old. We did sleep train but that didn't stand the test of time and we didn't have the heart to do it all over again. I rocked/patted/shushed him to sleep till he my second was born. In fact I was putting him to sleep even while I was in labour!!

And after that? He co sleeps with my husband and I! So we've come full circle after 3 freaking years. He falls asleep only if he is "stuck to me" (his words, not mine) but he takes only 5 minutes to go to sleep after which I sneak out and he stays asleep till the next morning.

What is the secret of this 5 minute toddler bedtime routine? Here are my top toddler sleep tips:

1. Don't follow the clock, follow the child

My son doesn't have a fixed bedtime. We follow his cues and keeping his waking time and activity levels of the day in mind to decide when to head to bed. It changes a bit every day which makes all the difference to both falling asleep quickly and then actually staying asleep.

2. Create an atmosphere of sleep

The moment he seems sleepy we start dimming the lights all over the house, keeping our voices low and slowly keeping toys away. He has now come to associate this with bedtime.

3. Have a soothing routine based on your child's needs, not something you read in a book

My ideal routine would be to read 2 stories, give him a goodnight kiss and leave the room while he falls asleep. My kid's however is 2 stories, maybe 3, then basically trying to use me a mattress till he falls asleep. He needs those few minutes of (slightly suffocating) snuggles after a long day of sharing me with his sister and I'm happy to oblige.

4. Keep physical activity levels high during the day

Toddlers need a lot of outdoor time to walk and run and play. Unless it is pouring rain or someone is ill, we go out every single day. It really tires him out.

5. Drop the nap

I'll do a separate post on how we did this but yes, ending naptime forever, while it was super painful especially with a newborn, has helped a ton. Otherwise we used to have our toddler resisting sleep even at minight and it made us grumpy and sleep deprived and resentful. Without a nap he sleeps 11-12 hours overnight which is miraculous. Sometimes he'll come to me at 7pm and say "I'm tired, let's go to bed." How absolutely unbelievable and amazing is that?!

This advice may seem simplistic but these ideas have made getting my toddler to sleep the most awaited part of my day and I really hope they do the same for you.

Finally after 3 long years we have the world's easiest sleep routine, my son gets a good night's sleep and bedtime is early enough that my husband and I can get some down time. Or so I think until I remember I have another kid who still wakes every couple of hours! Oh well, we have just another 2.5 years to go!! ;)

What's with the blog?

The past year has been all about shuffling from France to India and back. Rinse and repeat. I'm currently back in India with both Krishna and baby Ira for a couple of months, possibly longer. And filming and editing just isn't happening here. I don't have my tripod, lighting isn't right.. there's a long list that just makes it almost impossible.

But you guys have been so patient. And responded as well to the stuff I write and put up on my Facebook page.

So for now I'm just going to put everything in writing here on this neglected blog. It'll give me an easy way to connect with you all and keep offering awesome content without feeling guilty about making videos that aren't top quality.

The channel is being revamped though and should be up and running at some point in 2017 though. When? I'm not sure yet.

So be sure to follow this blog on Bloglovin' and La Vie de Ki on Facebook for new posts and updates!